Here Comes The Bride...

I haven’t been online in a week, I opened my email and have 68 unread messages, most of them facebook updates.

 

I got a headache from having too much mail.

 

It was so relaxing not being connected to anything online. Seriously. I know that I’m blogging and everything and I love the internet but that week was bliss.

 

Speaking of the trappings of modern life, we were talking with my grandmother (who’s place I’m staying at) and aunt and uncle about how their courtships were. Yes, I used the word “courtship.” It was so sweet to hear their stories and it made me think how much simpler it all was before. 

 

We ended up talking about marriage, one of my cousins went into an elaborate (and hilarious) description about her wedding, we went around the table asking people what they wanted their wedding to be like. I couldn’t answer.

 

Marriage talk sends me into hyperventilation mode. Its hard to explain why I’m so freaked out by it while most women my age have it on their to do lists. (I’m 20), as I mentioned, I’m staying with my grandmother, which means that a great deal of the autonomy I’m used to is snatched away from me. I don’t choose what I have for lunch or when I eat it, what the appropriate dress code for the day is or even whether or not I can have an afternoon nap. I have to do things like play scrabble with my siblings and grandmother.

 

I love my family, I love words and I love the terrace we sit on while we play. But I can not stand scrabble. It literally made me cry. To be forced to sit through a long annoying game of scrabble when I don’t really care that a seven letter word means an extra fifty points and that I have to try to put the X on a triple word score box. Having to do that instead of what I had planned to do killed me.

 

I managed to get out of the game early on by claiming extreme exhaustion and a need to take a nap. Instead I’m writing this blog by hand to transcribe it later on to my lap top. The reason I couldn’t write on my computer immediately is that it happened to be on the terrace and it would be obvious that I’m not going to take a nap.

 

I hate doing stuff like this, I hate pretending to nap so I can get some alone time. I hate not being able to decide when I’m going to hang out with my grandmother. I hate not having a say in what music we listen to as we spend time together.

 

I know I seem like a complete brat and I love my family and make time for them all the time. (After finishing the blog and taking a real nap, I went to my grandmother’s room and had a long chat with her) . What I can’t stand is not having deciding when and how I do the things that I plan to do,

 

So what does scrabble have to do with marriage? I can think of a seve letter word. S-C-R-E-W-E-D. if I can’t suck it in and play scrabble with the family, how can I possibly be unselfish and flexible enough to get married? The idea of giving someone else control over my life decisions haunts me.